Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
