my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
