And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
