i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
