made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
