Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
