The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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