I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
did i walk over a car last night?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
