You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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