i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Say something about gay babies.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
