It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I can text with my tongue
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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