We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
