Sponge bath it is.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
