What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
