do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is Oprah even human
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
