I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She tied me up with her honor cords...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
