R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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