i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
