i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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