the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
