Ambien. No doubt about it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize