I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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