Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
