My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
