you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
COCAINE IS GR8
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
