You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
