I puked a lego.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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