God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
