So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
