It's Friday. Sex?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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