drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
