dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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