ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
