if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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