Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she told me i tasted like america
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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