Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
