OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
