I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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