OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
