Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
