do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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