I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
