She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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