New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
