Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
pop tarts are not kleenex
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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