she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
