I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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