I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
