Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
