Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
