My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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