In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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