Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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