By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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