In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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