dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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