Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
All the doctor said was why
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
