You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize