I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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