Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
