Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
