You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Green mimosas i think yes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
