I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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