I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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