That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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