Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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